Why I'd let iPhone Raise my Kids

Because there's an app for that. Seriously. It's called "BabySitter App," and it's free and it's marvelous. It flashes pictures of adorable baby animals that make noises when you tickle them. My kids crap themselves over it, and it opens an invaluable window of opportunity to dart out for a quick Brazilian wax. True, the disclaimer does mention something about never leaving children "unattended." But you know how squeamish everyone is about lawsuits, so I'm going with my gut on this one...that there is nothing the iPhone can't do, including a better job than me at rearing my offspring.

You may be interested to know that I was a BlackBerry girl. And I swore I'd never be swayed to the dark side of the iPhone. But truth be told, I was getting tired of watching half the world’s population parading happily around with their little iPhones, laughing like they were filming a Mentos commercial. I simply had to see what all the buzz was about (and, also, I spilled a fair amount of miso paste into my BlackBerry, which jammed up the little tracking ball, rendering it useless). So off to the AT&T store I went. A mere few hours later, I realized that my life will forever be divided into "before iPhone" and "after iPhone." Sure, the iPhone train left the station about four years ago, but hey, better late than never, right?

And what a reawakening it has been! In just the past few days, the sky seems bluer, food tastes sweeter, and my App Store account has seen more action than that chick Meredith in my sixth grade class who was the first of us to develop boobs (I always thought they were a little "torpedoey", but whatever.) And I'm having trouble finding something that the iPhone can't do to make my life more efficient, and, quite honestly, more fun. This little "miracle touchie box", as I like to call it, (hope it catches on), lets me do all my banking, bill paying, shopping, internet surfing, movie watching, game playing, navigating, lie detecting, diet tracking, and blogging (you're welcome). The only problem is that it does too much. Since I got the iPhone, I've been trying out dozens of apps and I've created a short review of the ones you have to have, and the ones that might just be a little too superflous to be worth the download. I've graded them for you.

Pandora Internet Radio: This app is free and it allows you to create a bunch of radio stations based on artists and genres that you like. And you get to press a little "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" icon during a song and this alerts the little geniuses that Apple managed to shrink down to nano size that live in my phone (a la Dennis Quaid in Innerspace) to keep that particular song in my station, or to nix it. Awesome, and it eliminates the need for hundreds of dollars in song downloads. A+

The Weather Channel: A must have for anybody who prefers to have their weather knowledge gained via vibrant iPhone display as opposed to stepping outside. Very useful. A

Cooks Illustrated: I've really been getting into cooking lately, and I LOVE this one. It's an infinite number of recipes at my finger tips. But I gotta give it a low grade because having a "smart phone" nearby while cooking is how I got miso paste in my BlackBerry to begin with. Idiotic idea, stupids. D

Words with Friends: If there is only one app you ever install again, make it the "Sex Offender Locater." If you get a second choice, then make it "Words with Friends." It's a scrabble game you play with other iPhone users, and I've never been more enthralled with a game before. It's completely addicting, and feels awesome when you win, even when you use the free cheat apps to help you figure out the tough words. I've included a screenshot of a game that I won that in no way was cheating involved. A++

PSY Beer: This app simulates pouring and drinking beer by yourself, (note: a symptom of alcoholism), or with other iPhone users. You can't actually consume the digital liquid. This is just a dirty beer tease. F

Did I mention the iPhone also makes phone calls? Well it does! Although, to be honest, I find that feature a bit cumbersome and confusing. Actually, I'm thinking maybe I'll get myself another phone, like, say, a BlackBerry, with which I'll use exclusively for phone calls.

Either way, iHeart the iPhone. :P